Perfect picture to jack off to

It's got girth -- it's like you're trying to fuck a two-liter bottle of root beer that's really into it -- but you either have to hold it up or, as I said, find some way to balance it. It's not work; it's personal grooming. If you have the chance, you go ahead and pork that little rubber fun hole. For you ladies, try to imagine something you really enjoy the feel of, repeatedly and rhythmically working your lady flower. Have you smelled deli ham lately? You'll probably need to balance it between your thighs a little, or wedge it slightly between yourself and a pillow. Maybe it's Halloween and you have a pumpkin handy.

I'm told by our research team that female masturbation is actually a thing these days as well, and has more fans than paddle boarding, so maybe imagine that.

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Try to imagine some sound effects, like a grunt of consternation, a chipmunk-like tittering, and the bass growl of a tired and hungry bear. Have you smelled deli ham lately? Still, an industrious-yet-lonely man with a boner is basically a sexual MacGyver. But with only a little effort, you're doing your taxes, you're eating pudding, you're braiding your hair, whatever. I'm not saying you can't use turkey, or even tofurky, if you swing that way. And see their greatest breakthrough yet: Masturbating with your hand affords you that flesh-to-flesh connection.